For My Grandma
I discovered a stirring image of you today
Splashed on the screen of remembrance.
Laughing heartily at some precious thought
Only you and I were privy to.
It only took a moment of eternity
For the familiar sting to concede to
The Flow of Devastation that
Awaited
Always.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
June 20
Chaos
Lights bouncing and slashing the scene …spinning and looping through the air
Fast-forward voices, nouns and verbs tossed into the drowning phrases
Thoughts racing, each fighting to break the surface of serenity
Pulse pounding in every crevice of flesh and locating the eardrum
Screams burning the throat and escaping the body that cannot suppress them any longer…
Lights bouncing and slashing the scene …spinning and looping through the air
Fast-forward voices, nouns and verbs tossed into the drowning phrases
Thoughts racing, each fighting to break the surface of serenity
Pulse pounding in every crevice of flesh and locating the eardrum
Screams burning the throat and escaping the body that cannot suppress them any longer…
Thursday, June 18, 2009
June 18
Laughter echoing the chambers of the heart
Mocking the pain that lingers
After the hollowing.
Ice paralyzing the fibers of nerves
As flames smother
And vitality ceases.
Darkness penetrating the iris of the eye
Choking the light of the soul
That once existed.
Mocking the pain that lingers
After the hollowing.
Ice paralyzing the fibers of nerves
As flames smother
And vitality ceases.
Darkness penetrating the iris of the eye
Choking the light of the soul
That once existed.
June 18
I fulfilled my domestic duty today and cleaned my house - again. It has only been a week and a half...but it looked more like a year and a half! How does a house do that??? Anyway, while scrubbing, I pondered the incessant nature of such a task. De ja vu at its worse. And for what? So that in two days it will look the exact same! UGH. It is certainly one of the less rewarding of motherly endeavors, I will have to admit. I do feel a sense of accomplishment when the house smells of pine-sol and Murphy's Oil Soap...but it is rather daunting to undertake.
Later in the afternoon, I went to the movies with Laney and some other family members to see Race to Witch Mountain which was okay at best. Now, it is 10:27, I have a headache, and I am going to bed soon. Tomorrow, I am going to the gym to workout (started doing that again this week...feels great!), then I get to work on my book for a few hours. Last night, it had me up several different times, jotting notes that I did not want to elude me when the sun forced me out of bed. I changed a bit of the beginning - switched the order of things - and wrote just a few other ideas. I decided that the marriage that the character was running from was more of a back-story that did not need so much attention. It should stay more of a mystery to the reader and only will be revealed when the male character probes her for the source of her sadness.
Well, off to dream land...one of my favorite places to visit...
Later in the afternoon, I went to the movies with Laney and some other family members to see Race to Witch Mountain which was okay at best. Now, it is 10:27, I have a headache, and I am going to bed soon. Tomorrow, I am going to the gym to workout (started doing that again this week...feels great!), then I get to work on my book for a few hours. Last night, it had me up several different times, jotting notes that I did not want to elude me when the sun forced me out of bed. I changed a bit of the beginning - switched the order of things - and wrote just a few other ideas. I decided that the marriage that the character was running from was more of a back-story that did not need so much attention. It should stay more of a mystery to the reader and only will be revealed when the male character probes her for the source of her sadness.
Well, off to dream land...one of my favorite places to visit...
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
June 17
Dancing is so beautiful. All dancing, really. The way the body moves, sways, and conforms to the various pitches. Especially dancing that is slow and sensual. I love the way you can feel the emotions in the movements. I don't usually watch reality TV, but tonight I watched So You Think You Can Dance. The couple (Johnathon and Karla) danced to Falling Slowly (which I love anyways). Their dance was contemporary, slow, and passionate. The choreography was a story about two strangers who are in love, just like the song. I cried every time I watched it (I kept rewinding it.) The way their bodies moved together succinctly made the fibers of my soul ache. That is what love should feel like...two bodies, two souls, moving succinctly, drawing on each other, giving and taking so that the boundaries are blurred and there is no longer distinction. To feel the music moving between two sets of hands, fingers, lips. So beautiful.
June 17
I had a wonderful visit with my good friend, Sara, last night. We had a lovely dinner, where she told me her exciting news of pregnancy! Sara has a unique story. She found her soul mate when we were in our mid twenties...but he was not ready for it. He broke her heart and moved away for a few years. Sara never recovered...and held on to his memory so tightly that she could not find love in any other man. Then, one day he called her. He realized that running from something does not diminish its existence. Sara truly felt that her dream had come true...after all this time that she has waited for him. He came back to her. They are closer than ever...and now awaiting a precious baby to complete their family. I am SO unbelievably happy for her. She honestly deserves this happiness.
So, dinner conversation centered around the baby - her due date, her cravings, her fears, her plans. It reminded me of all that I felt when I was waiting for Laney. The complete miracle of life growing inside a woman engulfed me again. I remember feeling the flutter for the first time and knowing it was her moving inside me. Then, of course, I remember her full force kicking, punching, and head-butting my body, fighting for more room. I remember watching in amazement as she stretched my skin outward so that I could see her limps penetrating my world. I remember not being able to get enough acidic foods - ketchup, sweet and sour sauce, sauerkraut. And I remember how she wanted out early - too early - and I had to stay in the hospital where doctors fought to keep her in the warm safety of my body. I remember them finally sending me home, with a portable i.v. in my leg, giving me continuous medicine to stop her stubborn intent! I then I remember when she would wait no longer...and came with such force and such celerity that the epidural did not work...and I felt everything. I felt her literally tear her way out of my body, into this world and into my life. In all my life, it will be the most precious, perfect moment. The physical pain was forever overshadowed by the ineffable embodiment of life that clung to me - wholly me and wholly separate from me now. The focal point for my life...always. Only a mother understands the complexity, the wonderment, and sometimes the agony of having a piece of her very body living and breathing now disconnected from her. Once intristic, now extrinsic...but never fully so.
So, dinner conversation centered around the baby - her due date, her cravings, her fears, her plans. It reminded me of all that I felt when I was waiting for Laney. The complete miracle of life growing inside a woman engulfed me again. I remember feeling the flutter for the first time and knowing it was her moving inside me. Then, of course, I remember her full force kicking, punching, and head-butting my body, fighting for more room. I remember watching in amazement as she stretched my skin outward so that I could see her limps penetrating my world. I remember not being able to get enough acidic foods - ketchup, sweet and sour sauce, sauerkraut. And I remember how she wanted out early - too early - and I had to stay in the hospital where doctors fought to keep her in the warm safety of my body. I remember them finally sending me home, with a portable i.v. in my leg, giving me continuous medicine to stop her stubborn intent! I then I remember when she would wait no longer...and came with such force and such celerity that the epidural did not work...and I felt everything. I felt her literally tear her way out of my body, into this world and into my life. In all my life, it will be the most precious, perfect moment. The physical pain was forever overshadowed by the ineffable embodiment of life that clung to me - wholly me and wholly separate from me now. The focal point for my life...always. Only a mother understands the complexity, the wonderment, and sometimes the agony of having a piece of her very body living and breathing now disconnected from her. Once intristic, now extrinsic...but never fully so.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
June 13
Laney's recital day! Oh, she looked so beautiful! Needless to say, I wept when she walked on stage, wept when she did her routine, wept as she walked off, and wept even more when she stood in the front row for the finale, where she sported the BIGGEST smile while she waved and bowed. It was one of the proudest days of my life. To watch her up there and know that she is exactly half of me, that she grew out of my own flesh. It is so amazing to see this perfect little person, with her own heartbeat, that was once inside of me, wholly me, yet separate from me. She is mine, belongs to me...and now she is becoming her own. What a mysterious and wonderful thing to watch. Of course, I must watch it through streaming tears! I felt like I was part of the last scene in a movie that leaves everyone with a warm feeling in their hearts.
Next week, she starts tap and hip-hop...oh boy!
Next week, she starts tap and hip-hop...oh boy!
Friday, June 12, 2009
June 12
Today is the perfect day. At 5:20 in the evening, it is 74 degrees. I have been sitting outside (in the shade, of course) working on my book - or trying to work on my book. I am 100% stuck because I do not have a clear picture of the entire plot...so I am still writing bits and pieces but cannot decide how they will all fit together. Ugh.
Earlier today, I went to lunch with my daughter, my brother, my niece, and my dad. Afterwards, I took the girls to the mall. I bought another pair of "Simple" shoes. They are brown with all kinds of writing on them - so cute! AND I bought Laney a pair of black converse shoes. She looks darling...and so grown!
For dinner, I am making Laney's all time favorite: homemade Fettuccine Alfredo noodles. Yummy. And I made Laney's favorite cookies: No bakes. Then, we have to get ready for Laney's dress rehearsal for her ballet recital, which is tomorrow. Busy day...
I have no serious contemplations today. I feel oddly empty...today just feels like an ordinary day in an ordinary life with an ordinary purpose. Maybe tomorrow will be different...
Earlier today, I went to lunch with my daughter, my brother, my niece, and my dad. Afterwards, I took the girls to the mall. I bought another pair of "Simple" shoes. They are brown with all kinds of writing on them - so cute! AND I bought Laney a pair of black converse shoes. She looks darling...and so grown!
For dinner, I am making Laney's all time favorite: homemade Fettuccine Alfredo noodles. Yummy. And I made Laney's favorite cookies: No bakes. Then, we have to get ready for Laney's dress rehearsal for her ballet recital, which is tomorrow. Busy day...
I have no serious contemplations today. I feel oddly empty...today just feels like an ordinary day in an ordinary life with an ordinary purpose. Maybe tomorrow will be different...
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Jun 11, 2009
It is raining tonight. Not just sprinkling, but raining with some determination. I stepped outside and into it without hesitation, and it felt delicious. At 8:45, it was the perfect time of evening. Just a shadow of light cast across the sky behind the darkened clouds. I lifted my face to the sky and held my hands, palms up, welcoming the cold, crisp, drops. I loved the rain's sturdiness as it pounded against my hot skin and demanded the heat's concession. I felt the drops slide down my neck and drip off my mangled hair. For the first time in a long time, I felt peace. With my body wholly saturated with the Earth's tears, I turned to leave. And suddenly I realized that one of the those tears careening down my cheek...was actually my own.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
June 10 - Second half
Okay, so I realized that this blog is attached to my profile, which means all of my students can easily find it. I guess I will have to keep my contemplations more educational for now...until I create another google account!
In keeping with that, I return from Borders with many books to read. I purchased Winesburg, Ohio since I am teaching that as well in the fall. I also purchased Love the One You're With about a woman who is married but then runs into an old lover who broke her heart several years earlier...now she has to decide if her life is really as it should be. Hmmm...should be a good read. I also bought The Gathering, which seems to be about a woman who returns to her home in Ireland to attend her brother's funeral and confront some secrets from her past. All sound good; I don't know which I will read first.
I only have a few days, and then I will return- full force - to writing my own book. I think the hardest day will be Monday. That is when I plan to make a solid outline of how the story line will go. I am fairly certain I have solidified the ending...now I just need all the pieces to arrive there! I am confident, though, and very excited.
It is raining right now, with some force...and I love it. The rain pelts on the roof and on the windows so that I hear music and I feel a calmness in my body. The breeze coming through the windows is light and cool, almost cold. All my favorite pieces of a perfect night...well, almost. Now, given my continuous exhaustion (I swear I think I acquired Laney's mono!), I am going to sleep. I am really anticipating it because I can leave the window open, turn on the fan, hear the rain, feel the breeze...and drift off to dream my favorite dreams. Ahhh, now the rain is coming in torrents. drawing me into a trance that distracts my concentration on the screen. As it becomes nothing but a blur...
In keeping with that, I return from Borders with many books to read. I purchased Winesburg, Ohio since I am teaching that as well in the fall. I also purchased Love the One You're With about a woman who is married but then runs into an old lover who broke her heart several years earlier...now she has to decide if her life is really as it should be. Hmmm...should be a good read. I also bought The Gathering, which seems to be about a woman who returns to her home in Ireland to attend her brother's funeral and confront some secrets from her past. All sound good; I don't know which I will read first.
I only have a few days, and then I will return- full force - to writing my own book. I think the hardest day will be Monday. That is when I plan to make a solid outline of how the story line will go. I am fairly certain I have solidified the ending...now I just need all the pieces to arrive there! I am confident, though, and very excited.
It is raining right now, with some force...and I love it. The rain pelts on the roof and on the windows so that I hear music and I feel a calmness in my body. The breeze coming through the windows is light and cool, almost cold. All my favorite pieces of a perfect night...well, almost. Now, given my continuous exhaustion (I swear I think I acquired Laney's mono!), I am going to sleep. I am really anticipating it because I can leave the window open, turn on the fan, hear the rain, feel the breeze...and drift off to dream my favorite dreams. Ahhh, now the rain is coming in torrents. drawing me into a trance that distracts my concentration on the screen. As it becomes nothing but a blur...
June 10 - first half
Today started very early...I had to take my BFF to have surgery, which went well but left me exhausted! I did get a chance to have some interesting conversations with her mom, though...which I will save for a later time.
After my nap (yea!) I started dinner...lasagna! (I wonder if my family will notice that I substituted soy meat crumbles for the ground beef?) While I waited for the sauce to simmer, I read some more of Breaking Dawn, which is even better the second time through. Almost done...which makes me sad. What will I read now? Actually, I should read A Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man since I will be teaching it in the fall. A man living a contemplative life...perfect.
After dinner, Jeff and I are taking Laney to Borders, so she can feed her own hunger for books. I love that she loves to read. I cannot wait until she is older and reads what I read. Then we can sit for hours and analyze the books together. I KNOW she is going to be as analytical as I am; I can see it already in her profound questions. We are already close...but that will be really amazing when we can do that. She has already declared that she will be an English teacher when she grows up. I try to warn her against the grading, but she doesn't seem to mind. She already helps me grade...she writes comments on the papers, such as "good job" or "nice work." The students love it!
Right now, I am listening to the song "The Shade of Poison Trees" over and over. I love the title. A bit of an oxymoron. Shade implies relief or protection. Poison obviously doesn't. So, how do the poison trees actually "shade" anything at all? Perhaps the shade that the poison gives is only an illusion...which makes the poison even more dangerous. We sometimes think something is good for us...but then too much of it chokes us. But the burning of the poison feels so good sometimes, we can't help but to fall prey to it. I also like the allusion of the trees...to the Tree of Life, I think. Again, pointing out the power of temptation. Eve knew it was poison; she knew she would die. She ate anyway. She was standing in the shade, believing she was safe (as the song suggests)...the safety was only an illusion. In truth, real safety has no temptation...does it? We are never tempted to take make the safe choice. And if you choose the poison, how long do you get to enjoy it before it destroys you? How long does the pleasure last before it turns to pain? The answer is...it doesn't matter. The desire, the overwhelming pleasure of only a fraction of a second, in that exact moment, is worth the pain that follows. Everyone chooses the poison. At least anyone whose heart beats passionately.
Enough for now...until the dark descends.
After my nap (yea!) I started dinner...lasagna! (I wonder if my family will notice that I substituted soy meat crumbles for the ground beef?) While I waited for the sauce to simmer, I read some more of Breaking Dawn, which is even better the second time through. Almost done...which makes me sad. What will I read now? Actually, I should read A Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man since I will be teaching it in the fall. A man living a contemplative life...perfect.
After dinner, Jeff and I are taking Laney to Borders, so she can feed her own hunger for books. I love that she loves to read. I cannot wait until she is older and reads what I read. Then we can sit for hours and analyze the books together. I KNOW she is going to be as analytical as I am; I can see it already in her profound questions. We are already close...but that will be really amazing when we can do that. She has already declared that she will be an English teacher when she grows up. I try to warn her against the grading, but she doesn't seem to mind. She already helps me grade...she writes comments on the papers, such as "good job" or "nice work." The students love it!
Right now, I am listening to the song "The Shade of Poison Trees" over and over. I love the title. A bit of an oxymoron. Shade implies relief or protection. Poison obviously doesn't. So, how do the poison trees actually "shade" anything at all? Perhaps the shade that the poison gives is only an illusion...which makes the poison even more dangerous. We sometimes think something is good for us...but then too much of it chokes us. But the burning of the poison feels so good sometimes, we can't help but to fall prey to it. I also like the allusion of the trees...to the Tree of Life, I think. Again, pointing out the power of temptation. Eve knew it was poison; she knew she would die. She ate anyway. She was standing in the shade, believing she was safe (as the song suggests)...the safety was only an illusion. In truth, real safety has no temptation...does it? We are never tempted to take make the safe choice. And if you choose the poison, how long do you get to enjoy it before it destroys you? How long does the pleasure last before it turns to pain? The answer is...it doesn't matter. The desire, the overwhelming pleasure of only a fraction of a second, in that exact moment, is worth the pain that follows. Everyone chooses the poison. At least anyone whose heart beats passionately.
Enough for now...until the dark descends.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
6-9-09
The rest of the day was eventful. I wento see Up with Laney. I also took Jenny's kids, Alex and Ryan, and went with Kristin, Carissa, and Brittany. It was so fun to sit there in our 3-D glasses and laugh and cry together. Yes, I cried. It was a cartoon, but it was sad. The main character met his wife when they were very young, and it showed them living their lives together, growing old, dreaming their dreams together...and then she died! So, he started off on the adventure that he promised to have with her. He sat in the chair beside her empty chair and talked to her picture. They were soul mates, and he had to live without her. It was quite sad, actually.
Then, we got home, and all the kids played in the little pool. We ordered pizza and all hung out all evening. Scott and Jenny came, and we all laughed a lot. Good times...
Now, I am ready for bed and too exhausted to think too much. I guess I did a lot of that earlier. But, I will end with the thought that has been haunting me all day. When my life is near the end, as it was for the old man in the movie...how will I look back on it? He had a memory book that he looked through of pictures of his wife and him. Tears glistened in his eyes as he saw her face and remembered their times together. You could tell he lived a life of happiness. Will I look at a picture book and smile over knowing that my life was exactly how I wanted it? Or will I drown in a pool of regret?
Then, we got home, and all the kids played in the little pool. We ordered pizza and all hung out all evening. Scott and Jenny came, and we all laughed a lot. Good times...
Now, I am ready for bed and too exhausted to think too much. I guess I did a lot of that earlier. But, I will end with the thought that has been haunting me all day. When my life is near the end, as it was for the old man in the movie...how will I look back on it? He had a memory book that he looked through of pictures of his wife and him. Tears glistened in his eyes as he saw her face and remembered their times together. You could tell he lived a life of happiness. Will I look at a picture book and smile over knowing that my life was exactly how I wanted it? Or will I drown in a pool of regret?
6-9-09
Not until I just typed the date above did I realize the significance, or at least the significance it once had. My first wedding date, nine years ago. How bizarre to think of that. It seems a lifetime ago. It actually doesn't even feel like it was my life then. More like a dream. To contemplate how different my life is now. It makes me wonder how different my life could be nine more years from now. Will I still be the same person I am now...since I am not the same person I was then? How many different lives do people live before they die? How many roads, directions, decisions, regrets do people experience? I am VERY pensive today, thinking about all that life offers us, and all that life denies us.
Yesterday, my grandma was with me. In the stairway, for just a moment. I believe that. Her essence filled me. It was bittersweet. I made my entire body hurt, thinking about how much I miss her and how much I need her right now. She has missed so much of my life already and will miss so much more. I wish I could share my secrets with her like I once did. I imagine her voice, telling me it will be okay, reminding me that God works it all out. And her love would convince me.
Today, I am taking Laney to see a movie, trying to do the daily things that make life move from day to day. Trying to make memories that Laney will cherish one day, when she is having a day of confusion and sadness. I envy her now, when she only thinks of today - not yesterday, not tomorrow. I wish I could do that more. I wish I could be better at savoring each moment for its worth, rather than wondering what I am missing or wondering how many more moments I might have before all of this - life - ends. Will I have tomorrow? And if I do, will I waste it with my wondering?
So, this blog is dedicated to my contemplations. So that I have a place to expel them. And attempt to focus on my life - the reality, the tangible, the present.
Love
Yesterday, my grandma was with me. In the stairway, for just a moment. I believe that. Her essence filled me. It was bittersweet. I made my entire body hurt, thinking about how much I miss her and how much I need her right now. She has missed so much of my life already and will miss so much more. I wish I could share my secrets with her like I once did. I imagine her voice, telling me it will be okay, reminding me that God works it all out. And her love would convince me.
Today, I am taking Laney to see a movie, trying to do the daily things that make life move from day to day. Trying to make memories that Laney will cherish one day, when she is having a day of confusion and sadness. I envy her now, when she only thinks of today - not yesterday, not tomorrow. I wish I could do that more. I wish I could be better at savoring each moment for its worth, rather than wondering what I am missing or wondering how many more moments I might have before all of this - life - ends. Will I have tomorrow? And if I do, will I waste it with my wondering?
So, this blog is dedicated to my contemplations. So that I have a place to expel them. And attempt to focus on my life - the reality, the tangible, the present.
Love
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