Not until I just typed the date above did I realize the significance, or at least the significance it once had. My first wedding date, nine years ago. How bizarre to think of that. It seems a lifetime ago. It actually doesn't even feel like it was my life then. More like a dream. To contemplate how different my life is now. It makes me wonder how different my life could be nine more years from now. Will I still be the same person I am now...since I am not the same person I was then? How many different lives do people live before they die? How many roads, directions, decisions, regrets do people experience? I am VERY pensive today, thinking about all that life offers us, and all that life denies us.
Yesterday, my grandma was with me. In the stairway, for just a moment. I believe that. Her essence filled me. It was bittersweet. I made my entire body hurt, thinking about how much I miss her and how much I need her right now. She has missed so much of my life already and will miss so much more. I wish I could share my secrets with her like I once did. I imagine her voice, telling me it will be okay, reminding me that God works it all out. And her love would convince me.
Today, I am taking Laney to see a movie, trying to do the daily things that make life move from day to day. Trying to make memories that Laney will cherish one day, when she is having a day of confusion and sadness. I envy her now, when she only thinks of today - not yesterday, not tomorrow. I wish I could do that more. I wish I could be better at savoring each moment for its worth, rather than wondering what I am missing or wondering how many more moments I might have before all of this - life - ends. Will I have tomorrow? And if I do, will I waste it with my wondering?
So, this blog is dedicated to my contemplations. So that I have a place to expel them. And attempt to focus on my life - the reality, the tangible, the present.
Love
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