June 17

I had a wonderful visit with my good friend, Sara, last night. We had a lovely dinner, where she told me her exciting news of pregnancy! Sara has a unique story. She found her soul mate when we were in our mid twenties...but he was not ready for it. He broke her heart and moved away for a few years. Sara never recovered...and held on to his memory so tightly that she could not find love in any other man. Then, one day he called her. He realized that running from something does not diminish its existence. Sara truly felt that her dream had come true...after all this time that she has waited for him. He came back to her. They are closer than ever...and now awaiting a precious baby to complete their family. I am SO unbelievably happy for her. She honestly deserves this happiness.

So, dinner conversation centered around the baby - her due date, her cravings, her fears, her plans. It reminded me of all that I felt when I was waiting for Laney. The complete miracle of life growing inside a woman engulfed me again. I remember feeling the flutter for the first time and knowing it was her moving inside me. Then, of course, I remember her full force kicking, punching, and head-butting my body, fighting for more room. I remember watching in amazement as she stretched my skin outward so that I could see her limps penetrating my world. I remember not being able to get enough acidic foods - ketchup, sweet and sour sauce, sauerkraut. And I remember how she wanted out early - too early - and I had to stay in the hospital where doctors fought to keep her in the warm safety of my body. I remember them finally sending me home, with a portable i.v. in my leg, giving me continuous medicine to stop her stubborn intent! I then I remember when she would wait no longer...and came with such force and such celerity that the epidural did not work...and I felt everything. I felt her literally tear her way out of my body, into this world and into my life. In all my life, it will be the most precious, perfect moment. The physical pain was forever overshadowed by the ineffable embodiment of life that clung to me - wholly me and wholly separate from me now. The focal point for my life...always. Only a mother understands the complexity, the wonderment, and sometimes the agony of having a piece of her very body living and breathing now disconnected from her. Once intristic, now extrinsic...but never fully so.